A Little Bit Mad

I have finally come to realize something about myself.  It is uncomfortable.  It may seem to be extra negative in light of my faith, but truthfully, I am finding it positive to finally be able to put into words what I have felt for a long time.  It is freeing to realize how I have been feeling, but I still have never written the words I am about to type.  This will be a first.

Underlying my faith, my basically positive attitude, my sense of humor and my intense caring about other people...below all that,

I am always a little bit mad at God.

I don't think that people who know me or see me a lot would label me that way.  It is certainly not something I express and I do not feel it at the surface.  But it is there.

I understand that God is in control.  I know that His ways are above and beyond my ways.  I do not doubt His omniscience or His perfect power to work in all circumstances.  But there is a little bit of anger in the midst of all that faith.

It rears its ugly head when something I don't like happens.

It can be a small thing or quite a big thing, but as soon as I don't agree, I get mad that God didn't set the world up the way I think I would have done it.

My biggest life-changing event without a doubt has been the illness and death of my mother.  At that time, I was mad that illness existed.  Then, even when her death brought her to heaven itself, I was mad that there was loss.  And more grief than I had ever felt in my life.  Grief that I still feel all the time.

Our family dynamic changed with her loss.  People all reacted differently and still do.  Those changes made me mad.  That is when I wish we were all created the same.  Things would have been so much easier.

It will be 3 years in Sept 2012 that she will be gone.  I have softened and do understand more than I did about peace, about change and His working in the midst of turmoil.  I am learning.

Then I have a couple of friends whose mothers are alive yet choose to be completely separated from their families.  These friends actually are jealous of my grief because it means my mother and I loved each other.  I hear this and get mad that these friends do not have what has always been a part of my life.

And just when I think I have things grasped, something else happens.  Again, if I set up the world...boy would things be different!


The things that anger me, do not happen just to me.  In this world of technology, we are privvy to more and more stories from around the globe in a matter of seconds.I read about a little girl who is sickwith brain cancer  in TN and my first thought is, WHY does there have to be illness.  I read about a victim of violent crime and I beg God to rid the world of crime.  My first reaction is always to want problems taken away immediately.  God's world does not and will not work that way.
Sin is a part of this world and always will be.  I would prefer a creation without sin.  I'd love a forever Garden of Eden.  But sin came and we all have free choice.  We have a sinful nature that cannot be tamed without the love of Christ.

I do have anger.  But God is well aware.  I am not afraid to tell Him exactly.how.I.feel. 
Plus, He knows my feelings before I can even put them into words, so why try to hide it?  He welcomes interaction with me!  I know He loves me while I am angry.  I pray He will teach me through the anger.  And if I look, I can see Him doing just that.

The fact is we are not able to comprehend the way God created the world.  The Bible says we are to praise Him in all thing, but then horrible things happen to people.  That gets me mad and makes no sense to my human brain.  It is not natural to praise in the midst of turmoil. 

This is where faith comes in.

Will I continue to believe even when it hurts?  Will I believe even when it makes no earthly sense?  Will I continue to believe in the midst of despair, suffering and immediate (yet NOT everlasting) anger?

YES!  I will continue to believe.

I will question,  I will argue with my God, because He allows me to.  My belief is not a legalistic system   It is a relationship that will last me into eternity.  My questions are not one-sided.  I do not scream and walk away in a huff.  I stop, I listen, I watch and wait for Him to gently bring me to a new realization.  And basically, that realization comes once I am not screaming anymore!