The I s Have It

What is important to me in my interactions with people?

On the surface it would seem faith, comfort, tears, laughter, truth are vital and those are good things. We all want people to like us. To enjoy our company and to desire to know our thoughts on things. I have had friendships with both men and women where those things have been consistent, at least for a while. But people are varied. We humans are very much of the moment. We don't often think of slowing down and setting priorities. We just scramble to try to keep up with everything and often fail a relationship need in the process. We don't do it knowingly. We just try to keep up with life's demands and see where we land.

I have never been in a relationship where I have been vital to someone. By vital, I think I mean I haven't been irreplaceable. I have never been married. My longest dating relationship (if it can be called that) was done through 10,000 miles over almost 5 years and it just wasn't productive in any real way. I am still trying to decide how much of that time was wasted and how much was valuable.

In the past 10 years I have had two good male friends. I was not friends with both at the same time, but met one right after the first one disappeared from my life. They would speak with me about anything on their minds and ask what I thought about things they were dealing with. One man told me how he might try to gain custody of his children and the other had me read his divorce transcripts and wanted to know my input. That made me feel special. I was being trusted with very personal information. And since divorce was never a part of my childhood or family, I felt like I was being shown situations that I could not understand by experience but God could use me and my objectivity.

They were not boyfriends but they really enjoyed time talking with me. But they moved on and even though we were not dating, I felt dumped, completely disposable. There were never any fights. No arguments, and also no warning. These were both times when I spent time with the guy in the beginning of the week and by the end I was told there would be no more. They each went on to find other women that they excitedly called their girlfriends. That hurt a lot.

But when the dust cleared, I had to ask myself what it was that I missed from them. What did I feel I had failed at, by not attracting them the way the new women did. Of course appearance comes to mind first. My issues with that will be another post someday. But I knew they liked my personality, my faith, my input and even my company. But I wasn't good enough. Maybe they were too focused on superficial things and I am better off rid of them.

But it colors new friendships. That feeling of not being good enough to last, but more being tolerated until someone better is found to replace me. This can also happen in my female friendships as well. I have a hard time trusting affirmations when I receive them.

I am an equal opportunity neurotic.

INTERACTIONS IMPORTANT IRREPLACEABLE INFORMATION ISSUES