Insomnia with a Purpose

"It is 2:28am where I live and I can't sleep. I went to a movie with a friend this afternoon and within the first 20 minutes I was crying with tears streaming down my face. I am not exactly sure what part of what I saw on the screen impacted me, but all I could feel was my grief for my mom who died in September. My friend offered that we could leave the movie and we could go to another one, but there was no reason for that. I appreciated her offer, but I sincerely was so surprised by my tears that it wouldn't have mattered where I was. Note: I was not sobbing uncontrollably. I am a quiet crier and do not make a scene. Even in the privacy of my own home, I can't cry hard when I want to.

I do realize that my grief is focused on missing my mom, but connected to that, is constant concern for my dad, my siblings and extended family. I also realized that when my mom died, I immediately started wondering and worrying who would be the next to go. It took me at least 5 months to realize that, but I was looking at everyone in my family differently...like who would be next?

That is when again I realized I had to give back to God the family that I love so much. I had to give back my fear of going through someone's death again. That I had to give Him me. He has my heart. He has my faith forever. But I have to give Him all that makes me the human that I am."

Grief is something that cannot be completely understood and certainly not anticipated. The triggers are everywhere and I can think of my mom when I am in a place she had never been. There is no formula for when the tears may come or the memories will be so vivid. Some memories are sad and others are happy. It can all seem random.

But the one constant is that God is not random. He provides peace and strength no matter where I am, who I am with, what ridiculous trigger may have come along and whatever the intensity of my feeling.

You do not have to be grieving. He is with you, in the midst of your joy as well as fear and sadness...and even when they all seem to be happening all at once.